A bit of a more serious blog today, but hopefully you'll get something out of this; who knows.
So, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was very young. My first real memory of it was in grade four when I got the flu for the first time and had to stay home from school for a couple days. When I tried to go back to school, once I was better I would feel this over-whelming sense of nausea as soon as we pulled into the school parking lot and I begged my mother to take me home. I had never had any problems going to school, in fact I loved it. I got to see my friends and I had fun learning, but when I got the flu for the first time it was like it had traumatized me and I associated getting the flu from school and that just utterly crippled my thoughts.
Time went on and I had many a day when I begged and cried to my mother to let me stay home. She didn't know what to do with me so we decided to head to my doctor. My doctor told me I had gas bubbles and that's why my stomach was so upset, so I got some Pepcid capsules and back to school I went. The pills in my mind helped and I know now that was a phycological thing. I went on many years till I had any more BIG anxiety freak outs again. I still felt anxiety and stress but it didn't cripple me anymore.
Back when I was younger you have to understand that Anxiety, Depression, and Stress weren't classified as an illness. (They were all in your head) (So I was told time and time again) No one really saw what a big problem I was ignoring in my life and because of the build up it seemed to only get worse for me. Now a days they are classified as mental health problems and THANK GOD they are helping people like me with it now.
I remember my first encounter with depression and were it stemmed. When I was younger my family and I lived with my grandparents and it was the time of my life! I loved my grandparents so much! They were like a second set of parents, always there with kitty and I growing up and always there in my fondest memories. In grade nine tho, that's were it all went down hill for my happiness. I remember waking up to screams and cries, not knowing what was going on. I walked out of my bedroom and remember seeing my sister sitting on the stool in the kitchen crying. My mom immediately came up to me crying and told me my Grandfather had passed away in his sleep. I broke. I had never felt such heart-break in my life. I know now that that was what started my many years of battle with depression.
I struggled so many years with depression after and I still do and you'd never know. A lot of people with depression never give away what they're really struggling with. Myself, I didn't want anyone's pity or sadness. I just wanted life to stop. It seemed like I had been swallowed into the deepest pit of darkness. For a few years I had struggled with thoughts of suicide on top of being utterly sad. If it wasn't for my family and the help of some good friends( especially one, you know who you are :) ) I don't doubt that I would have gone ahead and killed myself.
Life seemed like it wasn't getting ant better either. High school was rough with my anxiety only getting worse. I would have such bad anxiety attacks that I skipped classes quite a bit and feared even going to school some days. All this time I didn't know it was anxiety I was dealing with because in such a small town these things aren't talked about. I thought I was dying because I'd feel so sick all the time and would have awful episodes. I'd cry in the bathroom at school a lot and call my mother. Thank God that lady is as strong as she is, I don't think I'd make it through without her pep-talks.
Eventually, I had to diagnose myself with anxiety and depression and go into my doctor to ask for help. I tried various therapy sessions and nothing seemed to calm my mind. Anxiety is thought after thought after thought, it's an endless torture. My doctor finally put me on anti-depressants and life seemed to start getting better. My anger had gone away. I felt more relaxed and at ease. I started taking life a step at a time. Not to say there aren't moments still, where I break down completely, it happens more than you'd think; but life is finally starting to go somewhere for me.
I owe a lot of my calm-ness now to my Spiritual Faith as well. I acknowledge that God had instilled a calm-ness in me and walking with Him has led me to utter happiness and peace. There are moments when having faith can be hard, but that is just what faith is, you need to trust. He has guided me into a better part of life and has given me the right moments and people to make me happier. I am utterly grateful to Him.
Anyways! I won't make this any longer. I'm sure I'll touch back on this subject here and there and if any of you out there are ever feeling like you want to talk I'd be more than happy to lend an ear.
xoxo
